Friday the 13th in the British Capital

LONDON, United Kingdom

July 13, 2007 (Friday)

Yes, it is Friday the 13th but so far it has not been an unlucky day. I woke up with red eyes after the last night out with friends.

My very close friend, Will, left and I saw him off at the local underground station. I came home and started crying. I was shedding tears since I did not know if I will ever see him again. I hate this feeling of uncertainty. I did the same when Mary left London last week. It was very hard and I could not stop. I did not want to appear as an emotional rack and hold myself until I was in the apartment. It felt like saying our last 'Goodbyes.' Mark is leaving to the United States too. Well, there were more reasons to cry and I just could not hold my tears as soon as I entered the building. I hate showing my vulnerable sides and emotions to people, and try to control my inner feelings. At the same time, I hate being a control freak.

I got calls from few of my friends but I did not feel like going out. I just wanted to be with people I know well and have some soul-sharing conversations. After watching the 1979 comedy, Garage, my Korean friend and I went out to the Exmouth Market for a few pints. There we met my former colleague, Derek, and had a bit of a chat with him. He is leaving home to the United States as well. Earlier in the day, I ran into Kira, my former colleague from Azerbaijan, who just came back from extensive traveling throughout Europe and Scandinavia.

It was a fun night out and at some point we realized that we were two single young professionals with heart aches eating ice cream on a bench in London. My Korean friend and I have this special bond. We have some things in common and are generous with advice with each other. After a couple of pints of beer, we had some food and I started to drink some red wine. I rarely drink red wine and am not a big fan of it. As I am typing this, a glass of red wine is next to my laptop. I am trying to think what have I learned in the last month.

I do not know how am I typing this since I am pretty intoxicated at the moment. Nevertheless, there are few things I want to express. Honestly, I have learned a lot lately:
1. I have learned how to roll a fag [cigarette];
2. I have learned to make the most out of what I have;
3. I have learned to appreciate the Korean spicy food;
4. I have learned to drink coffee and tea with no sugar;
5. I have learned to respect the Greek traditions;
6. I have learned to have fun on a small budget;
7. I have learned that not everything which shines is a gold;
8. I have learned to be very patient and forgiving;
9. I have learned that sometimes you have to take two steps back to make one step forward;
10. I have learned that our life consists of questions and we strive to get answers all the time;
11. I have learned that the bad phase is only temporary;
12. I have learned that my home is where my heart is;
13. I have learned to be upfront and straightforward brutally honest;
14. I have learned to compromise but not completely give up;
15. I have learned that being vulnerable and open is not bad overall;
16. I have learned to show my real inner emotions;
17. I have learned that solitude can be good as well;
18. I have learned to cry and not be shy about it;
19. I have learned to rely on my instincts;
20. I have learned to trust and be true to myself and to those who love me.

My first rolled cigarettes were so bad but now I am as good as an experienced fag-roller. Sometimes we go for something's or someone's good looks but we have to look deeper into their inner beauty. Being patient is rewarding and forgiving is one of the best qualities that a one can have. My close German friend from Frankfurt-am-Maine once told me that we have to take two steps backwards to make one step forward. I completely agree with him.

Percy Sledge is singing When a Man Loves a Woman on my iPod as I am typing this. As a human being, we always question ourselves and try to find answers. Sometimes we forget to ask our hearts rather than our pragmatic minds. Heart does not take orders from the mind and it is very hard to force our hearts. Therefore, it is best to be honest with our feelings. I have made the mistake of not showing my true feelings. At the same time, we cannot go back in time and fix our past failures. I will try not to make this error in the future. Of course, we all do mistakes and will keep doing new ones. I hope I will learn from my old failures and be more prepared for new ones.

Four years ago my professor told me that our life is not only black and white. There is a grey shade as well. However, this grey phase of instability, confusion, grief and vulnerability is temporary and soon it will either turn into black or white. When I graduated from Pasco High School in Washington, almost a decade ago, my American family gave a little souvenir with a deep meaning. It was a crystal pig with wings attached to a crystal house with a heart inside. There were two sayings engraved on the bottom of the house:
"When pigs fly..." and "Your home is where your heart is." The second sentence is so true. My heart is not in my home country. Truthfully, it is still in Jutland Peninsula, despite all the current circumstances.

Before I moved to Europe, I watched a movie called Prince and Me with Julia Stiles. I fantasized about my Prince in the small Scandinavian kingdom and was in the seventh sky when I found him. I always thought that how many queens I have to through to find my Prince who can become a King of my heart.

I would rather be honest even if it hurts than telling a sugar-coated lies. I came to a conclusion that it is best to be true about the feelings. I hate giving up but I have learned a great deal of compromising, sharing responsibilities and living in a harmony. I realized that being vulnerable, crying and sharing true feelings are normal and that I have been hiding behind my "I am strong" mask. I understood that love needs to be nourished and nurtured with feelings based on mutual trust. I discovered that any relationship, be it personal or business, as a two-way road, and both parties need to make efforts for it to work.

Windows are open and I can still hear the sound of cars in the City coupled with Dima Bilan's Ty Dolzhna Ryadom Byt [I Want You Next to Me] on the iPod. I am still trying to finish the glass of French wine as I am rolling another cigarette. During the times of solitude, I tried to find myself and what I want from this life. I had time to think through and come to senses with myself. I have realized that being single physically is completely different than being single in your heart. Certainly, physical aspect plays a role in any relationship but the spiritual and emotional parts are more vital for the strong bond between two people.

There is an important lesson that I keep close at heart. If you cannot trust your own instincts, than you will have difficulties trusting others. I have learned to believe in myself and my abilities, and be confident. I have learned to respect myself because only then you can appreciate others around you.

I have learned to listen to my heart without consulting my pragmatic mind. I expect the same from others. I have learned that what you give is what you get. I have learned to be giving and trusting. I tried to repress and kill my feelings by dating and having sex but, as I noted earlier, physical aspect is only a small portion of the relationship. I have learned that I would rather hurt those who love me by being honest and true than deceiving them by telling lies wrapped in a pink paper.

I guess alcohol is helping me to release my inner thoughts and express openly. I do not think I could write these things if I were sober. However, I will not regret about what I wrote when I will wake up tomorrow. Luckily, thanks to the latest technology, this entry will be uploaded automatically with a help of a mobile device with a standard time stamp. Tomorrow will be another day in the Big Smoke. Another day of waiting, hoping and wishing...

Life is a gift,

~ζ